Dear fans, at this festive time of year, I have decided to treat the world to my views on the European Union and what a nefarious influence it is on us all. The British press refuse to give you the true facts about how ghastly the EU is, despite the fact that recent polls show that 100% of the British people wish to leave the EU. Before I give you these facts, I would like to state that I do not support these people who call themselves the UKIP-pers. I have found them to be a bunch of hysterical and vile plebs. I am a lifelong supporter of the Tory Party, and I could never dishonour the legacy of the great Baroness Thatcher by leaving the party.
Here are the facts about the EU. Once you have read them, I am sure you will be amazed at the horrific nature of the EU, and will hate the maniacs who run it.
Fact 1: The EU kills cancer patients.
The EU has a law which states that only a certain amount of cancer patients can receive life saving drugs. The reason for this is some kind of French scam, designed by Paris based drug companies. What a disgrace! Remember this the next time a friend or relative gets the dreaded cancer. The EU is killing your friends and relatives!
Fact 2: The EU hates fox hunting.
Foxes are protected under EU law, which means even if our glorious parliament repealed the fox hunting ban, EU jobsworths would try to stop us hunting foxes. Foxes are a natural ally for the maniacs who run the EU. Sly, devious and cunning; EU maniacs are the human versions of foxes. The ability to hunt a fox is an ancient English right, and the restoration of this right is probably the most compelling argument for leaving the EU.
Fact 3: The EU costs the UK economy £7 trillion a year.
EU laws make UK business extremely uncompetitive. As a Captain of Industry, I know this first hand. EU laws give plebs too many rights, and by leaving the EU our economy would be liberated. We would be a shining example of free market economics, banishing Marxist economics forever.
Fact 4: The EU is run by German maniacs.
The British Empire has fought two wars against the Germans (who have always been jealous of our imperial might). Since they cannot defeat us on the battlefield, they have decided to create the EU (with the collaboration of the devious and arrogant French). On the whole the Germans are a beastly bunch, the men are fat and mad, and the women have the dubious honour of being the most muscular and hairy in Europe. I have only ever admired one German, Adolf Hitler (mostly for his motorway building abilities).
Fact 5: The EU is turning British children gay with French milk.
The British people are great fans of drinking milk. So it is no surprise the French have decided to use our love of milk to attack us. In modern Britain there has been a shocking rise in cases of homosexuality. It is no coincidence that this has coincided with greater integration into the EU. The UK imports large amounts of French milk. When I heard about how much French milk we import, I immediately employed the services of a leading African scientist from Lagos, Nigeria to test the milk. I had a funny feeling that the French were tampering with the milk they send us. My suspicions were proved correct. The French give the cows they use to produce the export milk female hormones; these animals are pumped to high heaven with female chemicals. These hormones make their way into the milk, which is then consumed by British children. It has no effect on girls since they are already female, but the effect it has on young lads is horrifying. It turns them into camp homosexuals, who then go on to lead “homofabulous” lifestyles. As a consequence, the British Army cannot recruit these lads into the ranks, and our ability to defend our Empire militarily is compromised. Eventually, we will be defenceless, and the Germans (maybe even the Italians) will invade and conquer our country!
These indisputable facts demonstrate how dangerous the EU is, and why we must leave it immediately. I will be passing these facts to the Prime Minister, which I have no doubt will finally persuade him to hold a referendum on EU membership. It is our only hope if we wish to survive as a free country.
England and St George!
SIR PETER MAXWELL