Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Royal Foetus Fever

A few days ago, our glorious Royal Family announced that a Royal Heir is on the way. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting a child, an heir to inherit the greatest throne in the world. This child will one day become Emperor or Empress of the British Empire, and naturally this news has delighted not just the subjects of the Empire but also the plebs of other foreign parts such as the USA. The whole world has been gripped by Royal Foetus Fever.

When I heard this news, I could not contain my excitement. I immediately telephoned the Prime Minister. We had a lengthy conversation about names for the child, with both of us agreeing that Peter would be the most appropriate name for the child. I am quite sure that God will send a boy, as it would  be most improper to have a girl as a first born. On the day the news was announced I spent eight hours reading the various news stories online, even visiting some rather crude American celebrity news sites to satisfy my need for information on the Royal Foetus. The Daily Mail has even created some computer generated images showing what the child will look like, which is handy, as we simply can’t wait until the child is born to find out what it looks like. But the press have speculated that The Duchess may be carrying twins, which led me to recall a curious event in the history of the Maxwell Dynasty.

In 1901, twins were born to a prominent member of the Maxwell family. I will not provide the specific details, as this event is still a huge embarrassment to the dynasty. When these twins were born, the family was horrified, as they were fused together at the face. The family were in a state of shock for several days. It was seriously considered that the twins should either be drowned or shot, but eventually it was decided that they would be kept, but hidden away in the summer house deep within our country estate in Gloucestershire. Later, we would banish mother to the summer house, where she still resides to this day at the grand old age of 95.

My mother’s family were very close to the Maxwell Dynasty, and she recalls visiting these freakish twins as a young girl. Apparently they were quite quarrelsome, and the one on the right was an alcoholic. They resented being locked away, but as my father would apparently say to them, if God had intended them to lead normal lives he wouldn’t have fused their faces together. It is quite a mystery why God creates these bizarre creatures. In my opinion he does so to remind us that he is all powerful, and can create all kinds of freaks with no trouble, such is his brutal power. I am sure life is most intolerable for these freakish creatures, but at least they entertain the rest of us, so their lives are not meaningless in the slightest.

The twins decided to kill themselves six months before I was born, which was a tragedy, as I would have liked to peruse these creatures myself. No pictures were ever taken of them, so the world will never know what they looked like. But, I can only pray to God that the empire is not cursed by Him, and ask Him to send a child with only one head to rule over our great country.

Forceful regards,


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